Category: Articles - Advice
Dear Prudence (CS) by Margo Howard
Sample #1
Dear Prudence: My sister is getting married to her fiance about six months from now. They have been together for about five years. The problem is that he cheated on her a couple of years ago, and, supposedly, she forgave him.
Although things have changed for the better since the incident, she claims that things will never be the same again and that there is always going to be a trust issue because of what happened. Although I would love for my soon-to-be brother-in-law and my sister to commit to a lifelong union, I don't want my sister to be in a relationship where she still has doubts. I love her very much, and I don't want a part of her to be unhappy for the rest of her life.
I told her that if she feels this way, maybe they should postpone the wedding to think it through and sort it out before she gets married. However, she said that since the reception is already booked, it's hard to back out. How can a wedding be properly postponed, and what advice can you give regarding her situation? -- Very Worried Sibling
Dear Ver: That the reception is already booked is a feeble rationale for going through with a marriage about which one has doubts. Invite your sister to weigh a divorce against a lost deposit.
As for how to postpone a wedding (or even call it off), the procedure is the same as for announcing one: Send a printed card saying the nuptials have been postponed/cancelled. -- Prudie, preventively
Dear Prudence: I'm a 34-year-old recently divorced woman. I was married for five years, though we were together for eight. My brother is about to propose to his girlfriend and asked if he could buy my old engagement ring. He already has his eye on a similar one in a jewelry store and is willing to spend the money.
He doesn't want to tell his girlfriend where the ring came from if I consent. I think this is crazy and that women care about the ring's origins. I also feel insulted that he would even ask. Am I being oversensitive? What would you do? -- Rung Out
Dear Rung: Prudie thinks perhaps you are being overly sensitive. Your brother had no way of knowing he would upset you by asking to buy the ring. And women feel differently about this issue. Some have such terrible memories associated with the marriage that they can't stand to look at the ring; others need or would prefer to have the money, so they sell it; still others regard it simply as jewelry.
Because many women are thrilled to be given a family heirloom as an engagement ring, your brother may not be correct that your future s-i-l should not know its origins -- though, granted, a ring from a divorce situation is not quite Grandma's treasure. If you don't want to part with it, fine, but your brother's request should not be construed as an insult.
As for what Prudie would do, here's what Prudie has done: She's kept engagement rings only from those men she has married. -- Prudie, ringingly
Dear Prudence: I have been involved with the same man since I was 17. (We are now both 30.) While we are not married or engaged and have no children, we've lived together for several years. We jointly own our home, have made major joint purchases (furniture, central air, etc.), and generally do all the other things that married couples do -- have parties, go on vacation together, help out with each other's families, attend social functions with our respective colleagues.
How do I respond when I am asked, "Why aren't you married?" I get this a lot and really think it's a personal question. I am at a loss about what to say in response. Please help! -- Stumped and Annoyed
Dear Stump: Depending on how you feel about the questioner, you can use friendly diversion or dismissive humor. An example of the former would be to say, "Things seem to work really well the way they are . . . and have been for 13 years." An example of the latter might be, "We're saving up for a license." Just because a question is asked does not mean it merits an answer. -- Prudie, responsively
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Dear Prudence is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearprudence@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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